Beginners’ Guide to Croquet (fun glossary)

By Liz Potter - Issue 31 (2013)

Compiled by the Secretary of the Much Myssing Croquet Club

 

Advanced

Average age of our members.

 

Breaks

Popular and profitable (see Teas).

 

Crush

Large excitable crowd – not relevant to this club.

 

Double Banking

Error by the Treasurer, who never really got the hang of the internet.

 

Elections

Allowed for in the constitution, but in practice never held (see Volunteers).

 

Facilities

Victorian, listed.

Note to self: investigate possibility of grant.

 

Grass

Essential component of any club (see Tea, Volunteers).  

Note to self: who else knew that I’d lost the AGM minutes?

 

Handicapper

A player it is unwise to beat.

 

In

My opponent’s ball regularly just manages this.  

Urgent note to self: speak to groundsman before my next game.

 

Jump

Usually occurs when lined up for a perfect rush down the lawn to Hoop 1

(see Non-Advanced). 

 

K

Looks like a diagram from a coaching session. Either a wide split shot from near the boundary or a jump shot against a hoop upright. I wouldn’t attempt either of these.

 

Lawn

Something this club has a lot of.

 

Money

Something this club hasn’t got a lot of.

 

 

Non-Advanced

Me.

 

Opportunity

My opponent leaves a ball at my hoop and another in the middle, then I miss a short roquet.

 

Pass Roll

See Tea.

 

Queen

Apparently the CA Patron, although I’ve never seen her at this club.

 

Rush Shot

I’ve just remembered I’m supposed to be at the dentist at two o’clock.

 

Spectators

I thought we had a visitor once, a couple of weeks ago, but he turned out to be a VAT inspector.

 

Tea

Essential component of any club (see GrassVolunteers). A good money-spinner.

 

Up

The direction my handicap has steadily been going, and where the subscriptions are also going to have to go.

 

Volunteers

Essential component of any club (see GrassTea).  Note to self: try to find some.

 

Wiring Lift

We’re going to have to replace the wiring soon, but a lift?  With £200 in the bank?

 

X

Looks like a voting slip but I don’t remember ever having a committee election. Could be from when we were going to remove the birds’ nest from the ladies’ toilets and that RSPB guy objected. 

 

Yellow

Yellow attracts bees.  Note to self: choose the dark colours when near a flowerbed. 

(See Jump).

 

Zzzz

Distracting bee noise (see Yellow) or someone asleep (see Advanced).

 

Submitted by Liz Potter (Cheltenham)